Everything is goodISH....it makes me feel as if I have nothing to post here.
here are some updates:

• i still live in williamsburg. the novelty has run out...i hate when that happens :( i want my excitement back. Still, Im happy here.
• as far as my eating disorder goes. i have been purging more then i should...i few times a week. I got really worried about totally lo0sing control again, losing my center but it seems to have gotten better in the past few days. "relief'!! it got to the point where i physically hurt, that is when i know i'm in trouble. i really want to try and never do it again!!! -while this sounds like a silly, meaningless statement, actually it's not! i've never said this before!! I've only ever said things in terms of "getting better" and "doing it less". But now I NEVER want to do it again because it becomes a cycle. One time leads to many other times...it's a true addiction.
• I have my Harry Potter party tonight. I was stressed. then not stressed. Now I'm not stressed. Z and D are the ones planning it with me. We had a huge bake session last night in preperation for the party and it was lots of fun -apart from the fact that I felt I ate too much, tried to purge :( Also the getting back home just before 6AM was a bit much.
• I feel so akward with Tamsin. (she was a really good friend before but drifted apart. we still share some of the same friends though) I almost feel as if there is some sexual tension between us! weird right? She is a sweet little girl from new jersey and I was always this big mystery to her even when we were friends. Then when I got into a relationship with another girl, T, the tension started. I think she likes me, maybe I'm wrong. Fuck if I know!
• Speaking of T, I've cut ties with her. Sometime in a mean way but I really couldn'r help it. She just wouldn't get the picture. And her hope and neediness was killing me!!!! Grossing me out. I think she got the picture now, I just sense that she doesn't "expect" from me anymore. Little things like she doesn't hang around at places in college where she knows i'll be etc.
• I'm short on cash, my mom says to take it as easy as I can because her financial situation back home is under serious strain. This stresses me out more then I can say. NOT the fact that I have to be on a budget but the fact that my mom is stressed. I love her and miss her.
• My sister in South Africa is 15. We have been getting on really well lately while on holiday etc. But now I started finding out that she goes to all these clubs, hangs around people I use to be friendly with when living there, same clubs. (I AM 22 AND SHE IS 15). SO I flipped the lid, told my mom. She went all emo and shit on me, and now she appears to be ignoring me.I'm more upset about it then I should be. I'm worried that what I did wasn't right.....betraying her trust. Not like she was being totally honesr with me though.
• College is actually a seriously positive factor in my life right now. I love my classes, I'm doing well and really feel like I'm growing. (cheesy)!

 I'm really tired so this will be a pathetically short post. Perhaps even a pathetically written one.
I feel fabulous today. I have control over myself and it is wonderful. I also like where my life is and how it is going. my classes. my home. my friends.
so apart from this revelation of contentment. there is nothing more for tonight. at least, nothing more that i have the energy to write.

:)

 I have left behind the hot Tennessee sun and am back in the city. Happy and homeless and way too tired for my many updates. All coming tomorrow or thursday....

 I bought chocolate flavored lip balm. Maybe this will help...when I feel the need to eat, I can just lick my lips.
mmmmm.
I wish.

  I finally discovered that if I go into the Kitchen......da da da daaa there is internet. So here are my posts from the past couple of days that I wrote in word........

24 May

 

Sixth day and again I nearly fucked up! I’m beginning to get scared now…what if this struggle doesn’t end soon? What if even when I do reach my goal weight it still happens and I still want to do it? Fuck fuck fuck fuck this is so fucking hard. Sometimes, while I’m sitting in the train (It often happens on the train, waiting for the train or walking and busy having my little mental battle-should I? Should I not?- I realize how tense I am, how my fists are clenched and my eyes are concentrated and think that I must look like a bit of a loony.

I didn’t do it though. Day six is a success.

 

Now that it’s summer in the city and most of my friends have gone home, I’m pretty much the only one left in the city. I’m spending most of my days reading, chilling walking about the city like a lost soul and planning. I plan everything about my day-what I am going to eat, drink, do, read, watch and so on. I think that I have the need to do this at the moment because of my addiction. I need to plan things in order to keep myself on track.

Last night I went to a hookah bar with my friend C who came over from Statten Island for the day. We drank wine, Turkish coffee, smoked hookah and talked about life, friends, college and sex sex sex. With C, somehow the topic somehow always manages to go to sex. It was a great night though. And she is great, full spunk, laughter and stories-physically tiny but with a huge character.

 

While we were sitting, talking and laughing, Ahmed(the guy who works there) brought us two glasses of Rose(I do prefer red) from these two guys sitting a few tables away. They were not the best looking guys and even if they were, I probably would not have been interested at all. Both of their attention was obviously aimed at me. It’s quite funny how a girl who most people obviously find attractive finds herself so repulsive so much of the time. A year ago, before I gave it up for college and NYC, I was a fucking model for gods sake. I’m slightly bigger then I was then however L Like 15 pounds.

 

Carlene, asked me if I was Lesbian. I don’t believe in set labels and always think that there is an exception. I have in the past been attracted to numerous men and women so I guess that that makes me bi. BUT I don’t see myself being able to get into another relationship with a man. The whole package is just so much better with a women.

23 May

Today, like yesterday, is a hard day for me. The first two days of my semi-fast(which is both an attempt to lose weight and to stop purging) were easyish. The third day, a bit harder. Yesterday was the fourth day and I nearly gave in. At the moment I’m staying at T’s house in Bedsty and there is a Dunkin Donuts and Popeyes chicken and biscuit that I pass on my way to the apartment from the subway every single day. Yesterday it was so fucking hard to not do it- get 10 donuts and ten biscuits….eat eat eat eat and then purge. But on the subway…on my way to that stop with the biscuits and the donuts, I somehow got control of my mind. It was the first time that I mentally talked myself out of doing it when the urge was that strong and intense. I don’t think that anybody who hasn’t had an eating disorder or addiction can understand that feeling of need, so intense and wholly absorbing, where you just have to get that fucking shit no matter what the consequences.

So as I was standing on the subway, eating my raspberries and fighting with myself mentally, I couldn’t help but to look at the people around me and wander if they knew what I was going through, what my mind was going through at that moment. At one stage I was next to this women and I just wanted to tell her, and to get some comfort. This feeling of needing and wanting somebody’s sympathy overwhelmed me because I have always been somebody who has wanted to get through it all by myself. Not to say that I can’t do it by myself, I still think that I can. I’m on my fifth day now and it’s still hard, I had the ‘thoughts’ again but fought against them and am now sitting with my cup of tea, feeling good about myself as apposed to having my head over the toilet seat and thrusting my hand down my throat.

I weighed myself this morning -127 pounds. I felt so intensely happy when I saw this that I had to stand on the scale for a few moments and just stare at the number. Hold the happiness.

I also realized that every single time that I think I am getting somewhere in fighting this sickness, it is on about the fifth, fourth, sixth days that I fail and then just get into a dark period again. This time I really do think that I’m doing it. If not…I think that I am going to speak to somebody and get help. But I don’t want to think of that because it will not happen. The battles within my little mental war, will from now on be won by the light and not by the dark.

 

21 May

I feel so out of it. So unattached from my own body. Two needs which are supposed to be simple, the need to eat and the need to rest are not simple for me. I’m always stressed out for no reason,  making lists and thinking of things that need to be done instead of listening to my own body and hearing it when it is screaming for a break. When, if just for a short while, it wants to do nothing! My need to eat and nourish my body is obviously not simple due to my obsession over food/eating disorder. I’m working on it. I want to be healthy and happy. But most importantly, I want to be. Just to be, to understand myself, to understand my body which has received so much abuse and neglect. I want peace.

 

I need to eat and need to sleep and want needing these things to be simple.

 I'm 134 pounds tonight...been eating badly one day, ok the next, purging here and there -obviously not working. I'm fed up and really have reached my limit this time! Fuck! Starting a fast tomorrow, and Bikrmam yoga. I plan on doing some exercise every single day. Goal =125 pounds by the end of ten days. My girlfriend (I hate to use that term actually. What does it mean...a friend you get physical with? Whatever!) is overseas for ten days and I'm staying at her apt until I find a place of my own. When she gets back I want to be 125 pounds and clear skinned (what the fuck has been going on with my face lately I have no idea! Can you say 'pizza face!! aaarg) Anyway....obviously I'm in a bit of a bitchy mood. I'm actually just frustrated...I NEED to lose weight seriously!
Plan for tomorrow
Out of bed by 11
Mint tea (no honey)
Chores/call and check our a few apartments/coffee with J
Komboucha
Bikram yoga at 4 or 6 (depending on what time I finish
Back to the apt
read/sleep/relax/ mint tea

I will be successful I know it. I feel like I have some control back...something that my eating disorder took away, along with my self-image.
How sad.

 I want to do it right now but I'm forcing myself not to uh! Who knows weather I will be successful. Alone in the apt all evening...

Maybe i will just read and drink peppermint tea.

 I hate the fact that I am so manipulated by society - by what the society and its greatest tool , the media, says that I should look like or weigh. 
Fuck. 
I know it. But I still do it.

I found a wonderful apartment today. In park slope overlooking prospect park. God I hope that I can scrounge up the money. Rent is a steal but it's the first payment which is like 3 months rent and brokers fee which is killing me. Ah!

 When I started at University in New York a year ago, i was 15 pounds lighter and thought that i was fat. God! There was this girl at the time...lets call her L....L and I had become close friends, both of us had gained a few extra pounds and were forever complaining about our weight and on a mission to lose it!! We had a fallout but I sometimes see her around and she is so fucking skinny now. It drives me mad!!! Maybe I should be happy for her and that would bring me good karma!? I don't know whatever.
I really NEED to lose weight now, not because it is unhealthy or because I am fat and ugly but because I FEEL fat and ugly all the time. I feel like shit and need to do something about it! 
Tomorrow I'm going on a serious detox...just kamboucha, tea, miso soup and water until I am 120 pounds. Then When I get to 120...I can add fruit, veg, protein....and when I get to 110....I can add 1 good carb a day.
I just weighed myself....I'm 134.4 pounds. Fuck!!

I don't want to sound annoying and sick or whatever by talking about my disorder so much but I really feel like I need to right now. I feel like it's a boulder in my life that I need to get over right now. And no I'm not getting over bulimia by taking up anorexia...i simply need to get to the point where I feel good about my body so that I don't feel the need to do this shit anymore.

 so today i feel strange. a mix of the bad and the good. i had a smothie for breakfast, a kombucha (healthy!!) and the for lunch i had a sandwitch...not too bad but my standards are different to othe peoples SO it made me feel like shit which in turn made me want more. ah! but i didn't get another one, partly because o was too scared the people behind the counter at the school caf would look at me strangely. funny how these little things sometimes save you. i want to take it one step at a time...and get better. if in a week i'm ok. then i will be able to trust myself to do it on my own. but if not...i think that i might need to call my mom. the fact that she lives in another country and that i know she will be beyond worried and upset is what is stopping me from confiding in her. i really feel like i need, want somebody.

one day at a time...

i'm in the middle of finals at the moment. aaaah stress!!! i'll be done on friday though and then wonderful weekend to myself. so looking forward to it, lazy happy days filled with friends and relaxation! i'm staying in nyc for the first half of the summer semester in order to get a few extra credits out of the way but come july and i'm off to europe. so much to look forward to, just need to get these next few days out of the way!